Relationships are one of the most fulfilling and rewarding things of this human experience; but it can also be one of the most challenging and heartbreaking experiences as well.
A multitude of studies have shown that having healthy relationships in your life can improve the quality of your life but and help you heal faster from illness among many other positive attributes.
Yet a quarrel with a loved one or a falling out of a friendship can put you out for days. It could take over your whole mind making it hard to concentrate or work or fully enjoy what your day.
So how can you have more deep connection in your friendships and romantic relationships?
How can you manage disagreements in a healthy manner that leads to the mutual benefit of all?
Leading Couples Psychologist and founder of the Couples Communication Institute, Dr. Sarah Rattray, talks to us about how to create loving and effective relationships.
Her advice is applicable to all relationships in your life from friendships to romantic relationships.
Listen in to discover:
How to tell if you’re in a healthy relationship that’s worth working on
The myth that causes ALL relationships to deteriorate
Why effort in relationships is critical and how to cultivate it
Why you should actually have expectations in relationships
How to successfully set the stage for a difficult conversation
How to create deeper connection in relationships
About Dr. Sarah Rattray
Dr. Sarah Rattray is a Leading Couples Psychologist, and Founder & CEO of the Couples Communication Institute. She’s been working with couples in Seattle for over 30 years. She helps disconnected couples approaching their empty nest to rekindle their relationship with loving, effective, connected communication.
Signs That You’re In A Healthy Relationship
Although every relationship is different, Sarah shares some characteristics that most strong relationships have in common. In relationships (especially romantic relationships) creating an honest and safe environment requires trust and support in each other. This also includes considering the other person in relevant decisions that you make. You both need to be motivated and keep each other at the forefront of your minds. Tune in for more at [08:30].
Great Relationships Require Work & Effort
We’ve been taught that romantic relationships should be effortless—you fall in love at first sight and from that moment on, everything should work without a hitch. In reality, assuming this creates an unrealistic image of our romantic and platonic relationships. At [11:00], Sarah dissects this assumption and explains that while spending time with your partner might feel effortless, we still need to devote time and effort just like we do in any other aspect of our lives. Realizing this is the first step to a healthy and successful partnership.
Must Do For Having Difficult Conversations: Set the Stage First
Sarah’s insider tip is to be mindful of each other’s time by planning for difficult or meaningful conversations ahead of time. Use this time for conversations about any topic that seems relevant to the betterment of your relationship: whether it’s about housework, communication, or sex. By planning ahead, you’re less likely to feel unprepared or out of time. Both sides can show up with the same purpose and matching energies. Learn more at [19:00]!
Want More Connection? Learn to Be Vulnerable With Your Friends
At [21:50], Sarah tells us how we can apply the tips we’ve learned about romantic relationships to our interpersonal ones. The pandemic has highlighted our need for connection—we all want to feel supported and heard, especially in times of need. To form these deep bonds, we need to open up and be vulnerable with our friends but also to do so mindfully. Just as we set the stage for meaningful conversations with our partners, we should plan ahead to create times for safe and vulnerable conversations with our friends.
Establish Safety and Success With Small Conversations
What should we do when our partner doesn’t match our energy or motivation? Most of us would likely want to give up. However, Sarah gives us another solution to this. As previously mentioned, when problems arise, regardless of how small or large, schedule time to discuss these issues. We need to start small and build up a rapport with each other again. Most importantly, the more often you do this and succeed, the easier and more empowering it will feel for both of you. For more of Sarah’s insights, go to [29:00].
Listen to Your Intuition To Understand Your Friendships
How do you know which relationships are worthy of your time and effort? Like in other areas of our lives, when interacting with a friend, don’t hesitate to turn up your discernment and listen to your intuition. Do you feel relaxed around that friend? How much anticipation do you feel before the meeting? How safe do you feel? At [31:10], Sarah emphasizes that you need to take red flags seriously and be mindful of who you spend your time with. In addition, realize that some relationships need a different set of boundaries and terms. You might be super open and trusting with one friend but keep some things to yourself with another.
#1 Most Powerful Way To Build a Deeper Connection With Someone
Once you’ve learned how to set up conversations in a safe way, you’re ready to take the next step to deepen connection: listen and validate that person’s values and experiences. The goal is to set aside your own beliefs and experiences and give them space to express themselves. However, it doesn’t end there - after listening and learning about their values, you should validate what you’ve heard by interacting with them and their stories. Show them that you understand and appreciate where they’re coming from. This will result in them feel heard, seen and more willing to open up. In addition, they’ll also be excited and ready to see and hear you. Go to [48:50] to learn more!
How To Honor and Work Through Differences In Relationships
Differences of opinion are bound to happen in every relationship whether romantic or platonic. Sarah explains that learning to speak about these disagreements in productive and respectful ways will in turn help deepen our relationships. We first need to honor each other's values and then realize that we’re on the same team. Even if we don’t agree with each other, we can still speak and elaborate on our opinions and feelings in a fruitful conversation. Tune in for more at [01:00:10].
Key Nuggets:
[08:30] Signs That You’re In A Healthy Relationship
[11:00] Great Relationships Require Work & Effort
[19:00] Must Do For Having Difficult Conversations: Set the Stage First
[21:50] Want More Connection? Learn to Be Vulnerable With Your Friends
[29:00] Establish Safety and Success With Small Conversations
[31:10] Listen to Your Intuition To Understand Your Friendships
[48:50] #1 Most Powerful Way To Build a Deeper Connection With Someone
[01:00:10] How To Honor and Work Through Differences In Relationships
RESOURCES:
Sarah’s quiz to discover your Communication Connection Score: https://couplescommunicationinstitute.com/risk-quiz/
Hold Me Tight: Your Guide to the Most Successful Approach to Building Loving Relationships by Dr. Sue Johnson
Connect with Sarah:
Website: CouplesCommunicationInstitute.com
Quotes:
“One of the things that distinguish successful couples from unsuccessful ones is having two people who are motivated to make the effort.” - Sarah Rattray [11:30]
“If we’re scared about [hard work] . . . then everything is even harder.” - Sarah Rattray [13:43]
“We want to feel seen, heard, and understood by each other.” - Sarah Rattray [22:30]
“Discernment is to allow yourself to question: how safe do I feel with this person?” - Sarah Rattray [42:51]
“Can I trust this person to honor my boundaries?”- Sarah Rattray [43:11]
“Listen to the other person with the goal being that I’m filling out a picture of your world.”- Sarah Rattray [50:05]
“When you can validate what someone else is doing, you’re really going to be deepening your connection with them.”- Sarah Rattray [53:26]
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