Here's a very real and transparent story for you
Last week I found myself scrambling like a madwoman trying to catch the last week of November. I was near killing myself trying to get everything done and acting as if there was a secret vortex that would quaff the sad sorry souls who didn't step into December in time.
I realllly wanted to get to December in time (whatever that means).
As I fumbled through my days, I kept thinking
"How did this happen, how is it already the end of the month??"
I kept moving faster and faster but the vortex was right at my heels. It was going to eat me!
“Wow how is it Tuesday already?”
“Wow how is it Wednesday already?”
“Okay, if I become super aware that It’s Thursday then maybe Friday won’t sneak up on me”
There was a lot of futile resistance in my life last week. I even found myself asking Father Time to please postpone December. You know, like if at all possible could he just do his magic and make one day feel like two and so technically we all get to gain few extra days? That'd be so great – thank you.
Clearly all that worrying and anxiety also brought on a bit of delirium.
Luckily, I wasn’t completely unhinged – I still had my meditation practice to anchor me. When I reached my worry threshold - that’s what I call the state of when I’m in complete and utter exhaustion from worrying and overthinking. I get to a point where I’m just done and can’t even muster one more drop of care or worry anymore. Some may identify this as the doorway to surrender. It’s true -
surrender happens when you give up the attachment of your own agenda and in turn allow the greater forces of the universe to come help.
I’m sure there are more enjoyable ways of getting to surrender than the worry threshold but alas, that was my route this time…back to the story!
Reaching my worry threshold gave me space to choose a 45 minute meditation rather than a much shorter one. Even that small sliver of surrender was enough for grace to come through.
On this day, grace showed up in the form of a long guided meditation to pull me away from the rambunctious gibber of the less intelligible part of myself (or also known as chitta vritti in yoga terms).
I sit, meditating in my chair. 10 minutes - I become aware of my restless monkey mind. I think “wow it’s louder than I thought”. This makes my body restless too so I decide to lay down on the floor instead.
In 20 minutes I’m feeling better. More relaxed and willing to rest. That monkey mind still chattering away but much quieter than before. I usually only meditate for 20 minutes so I don’t know what happens beyond this.
To my surprise, at 30 minutes something changes.
I surrender more! I’m surprised because I thought I already surrendered! Yet something that I wasn’t aware of softens. This reminds me of what Gabby Bernstein says in her book The Universe Has Your Back “surrender and then surrender more”. Now I get it.
To my humbled delight, I emerge out of 45 minutes of stillness with fresh new insight that brings me back to peace.
THERE IS NO BLACK HOLE THAT WILL EAT ME UP AND IT’S OKAY IF I DON’T GET EVERYTHING DONE
Whew!
I tell you, what a relief to realize that I can still participate in December even if I don’t complete my November to-do list. I know I’m being cheeky about this but it’s a valuable realization here.
So often we convince ourselves that something has to happen a certain way otherwise all hell will break loose. Maybe yours isn’t a black hole. Maybe it’s the threatened loss of respect from your friends & family if you don’t host the perfect Christmas dinner. Or the complete demise of your career and any chance of promotion for the next ten years if you don’t get just the right images for your Powerpoint presentation.
We tell ourselves stories about what we would lose if we fall short. We make it up in our minds we have to exhaust ourselves trying to get it done.
The real truth is that when you find yourself trying to get things done at a frantic rate and you’re putting crazy pressure on yourself to do it, it most likely stems from a belief that you’re lacking something - like you’re not enough.
Being not enough is such a common fear and it drives us to do questionable things….like trying to negotiate new timelines with Father Time.
The truth is that those fear stories that make you feel bad are lies. Your friends and family will love and respect you even if the yams are a little burnt. They don’t love you for your yams - it’s you they like. Your career doesn’t hinge on the quality of stickmen you put in your Powerpoint – you’ve got much more to offer than that. For me, it’s okay if I didn’t create my November newsletter in time and I’m not going to be banned from participating in December or ever sending an email to any human ever again.
If it feels frantic and pressure filled, you’re being led on by fear. Recognize that as a flashing red light telling you to SLOW DOWN and REST.
You could wait until you reach your worry threshold but I strongly recommend that you skip that part and go straight to the part where you take rest. It’s more enjoyable that way. A bath, a nap or a long meditation will do. Even a sliver of space will let grace come through. Just enough for you to remember your true essence and your completeness.
The bottomline is to stop exhausting yourself to prove your worth. You’re enough already.
YOU. ARE. ENOUGH.